How To Reach Your Teen Homeschooler's Heart

Homeschooling in the teen years is IMPORTANT.

It can be hard, however, in the midst of shifting hormones, strained relationships, and the seemingly constant struggle for independence.

An essential element of homeschool high school success is reaching our child's heart. If we can win their heart and reach them in meaningful and lasting ways, our children will better respond to our homeschooling efforts. 

How in the world can we teach our children if we don't first have a relationship with them? 

It all boils down to relationship, and the key to relationship is the heart. 

If we miss the heart, we're missing the most important thing.

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Know How to Parent a Teen Effectively

Parenting teens in general (never mind homeschooling them!) is a job that requires continuing education. 

The teen years are NOT the time to check out, delegate more of their education, or think your child can be on "auto-pilot". If anything, it is the time become MORE engaged and vigilant. 

Our teens' brains are being hard-wired from the ages of 12-23, and what they do during these years MATTERS. Their values are in formation. They are deciding who and what they want to be.

The choices we make for and with them will last a lifetime.

Three things you can do for yourself as you travel this road:

• Read/Listen to the Bible daily - I LOVE the Daily Audio Bible! How can I be open to what the Holy Spirit is saying to me about my teen if I'm not training myself to listen?

• Spend time with a few good parenting books geared for parents of teens

• Find a mentor who has graduated homeschoolers successfully - someone who can provide you support and guidance

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Embrace Those Teens

No one told me how much FUN our teens would be. 

I heard a lot of "enjoy them while they're little" and "good luck when they're teens".

My teens are genuinely interesting and enjoyable people to be around. We can debate with them, laugh with them, and be silly with them. They are capable of handling big ideas and shouldering more of the load around the house. 

Sure, we get our share of attitudes and eye rolls, but my husband is quick to point out to me that if we respond with love and patience - and don't respond with lectures and demands - our lives will all be much easier. That runs counter to my "listen to me!" nature, but I'm learning it really is the best strategy when dealing with my teens.

I pray our home is a haven for our children - a place where they feel loved, accepted, and free to fail. 

(Obviously, my teenage son feels very free to be himself - as evidenced in this picture!)

All those things you've heard? Well, they're true.

Hugs your teens a lot (even when you - or they - don't feel like it). Be willing to put your comfort aside (and sometimes your sleep) so you can talk with them late at night when they are just coming alive. Be willing to put up with some of their messes and disorganization (it goes with the territory).

Most of all, don't expect LESS of them because they are teens. Our teens are capable of so much more than SnapChat, Instagram, Netflix, YouTube, and texting their friends. Engage them in meaningful conversations on deep topics. Let them know what they think MATTERS.

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Know Your Teen's Love Language

When my children were younger we took the love languages test online. Their love languages were Words of Affirmation and Quality Time. Now that they are both teens I had them take the test for teens - and things had changed a bit. My son went from Words of Affirmation to Gift Giving and my daughter stayed the same with Quality Time.

But once we know their love language, how do we put that into practice - especially when it might not match up with our own love language?

Teen Love Language Example #1: 

For my youngest, his love language is Gift Giving. You might say - "I'm not going to buy my children things to show them I love them!"  And yes, I agree. But let me share with you some things I do that seem to speak to my 13-year-old son: 

• Jelly Beans!  He loves to go to the Jelly Belly station at our grocery store and pick out jelly beans. It's kind of our thing. I do this every so often he treasures those jelly beans!  
• Contributing to a Goal:  My son recently saved some money to buy himself a Ripstick - he needed just a bit more, and I happily contributed the extra $10. We made an afternoon out of looking for the ripstick, and then I took an active interest in watching him learn and being available to go outside when he wants to show me his latest trick.
• Unexpected surprises: During our school day I will sometimes pull a small bag of M&Ms out of my purse and give them to my son during math. Or, I might take him out for half price milkshakes at Steak N' Shake in the middle of the afternoon.

The big point is this: when you know and address your teen's love language, you are showing your child you honor what is important to them.

You are willing to go outside of your own comfort zone and treat them. You are making an effort to sincerely show them what they like MATTERS!  

It is against my nature to buy my child sweets - but it speaks to him and I don't go overboard. The investment in relationship is worth it! 

Teen Love Language Example #2: 

My daughter has long loved quality time. It's her thing. She thrives on a personal relationship. 

I have seen firsthand that she will do MUCH better in school if she has a good relationship with the person who is teaching her. She has a radar for insincerity and will not hesitate to call a spade a spade - know what I mean?

The investment of TIME goes a long way with this child. 

• Have a makeup date:  I never wore much makeup until my daughter starting wearing makeup! She watches tutorials and has a talent for doing makeup well. She loves it when I suggest she do my makeup. How easy is that?  
• Have a binge-watching date:  We enjoy Downton Abbey - we've binge watched the series a few times. Setting aside this chunk of time, popping some popcorn, and hanging out with her in the basement is her love language!
• Reading time: I'm kind of being selfish on this one (ha!), but sometimes I will offer to make a cup of tea and just sit quietly and be together reading our own books. My daughter has drifted away from reading recently, but I can convince her to join me for tea and a book on occasion. 

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Put Your Pride Aside

In the first few years of parenting teens I felt I knew it all. My teenager needed to listen to me "just because". 

I didn't tolerate disrespect. There was a lot of lecturing and many raised voices. 

I used to get frustrated because my husband wouldn't join in with this behavior. He always seemed unphased by my oldest's misbehavior - or what I deemed as misbehavior. He wouldn't lecture or get upset - he simply showed patience and a sense of calm that completely mystified me.

Looking back, and also having read some great parenting books, I can now see that ignoring and showing grace through not getting angry with my teen goes A LONG way.

I had to lay my pride aside and discover there was a much gentler and more effective way to parent my teen. Patience and grace have become my two favorite words.

Our house is much calmer now. Yes, we still have our moments of teen angst and drama, but the way in which I respond is much different. The way those situations are resolved is much different. My relationship with my teens is different.

I look at these children and think "it all goes by in the blink of an eye". I'm so thankful for the opportunity to homeschool them for a front row seat! 

Are you homeschooling a teen? How do you reach their heart?

You might also like:

Homeschooling "Big Kids"

The Joys of Homeschooling Older Children

The Homeschool Trap (and how we're falling into it)

I've long been a proponent of staying in your own lane - in homeschooling and in life. The longer our family educates at home the more this becomes our battle cry. 

Autonomy. Freedom. Choice. Flexibility.

When we abandoned the "ideal" of public school it was immensely refreshing to immerse ourselves in the homeschool world. It took me at least a year before I realized we didn't have to do "school" at home and to truly embrace the lifestyle of interest led learning and wonder.

I've now been in the homeschool world a good amount of time, and I've discovered a disturbing trap - that I actually fell into for a period of time.

When I realized I was in the trap it felt a lot like when I had realized we were in the trap of public school.

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The Homeschool Trap

I'm sure this isn't going to be a popular statement. 

Too many of us aren't staying in our own lane. We are too worried about what our homeschool friends are doing. We are too enamored with the latest program, popular method, or (dare I say) the blog with the largest following.

Here's a good analogy: Do you remember the economic collapse about 10 years ago? A few years prior to that time my husband (then a counselor with a non-profit financial counseling agency) saw it coming and told me, "Mary, people have to stop keeping up with the Joneses, because guess what? The Joneses are BROKE."

Homeschoolers are falling into the same trap. We're trying to keep up with everyone else and it's to the detriment of our children.

There. I said it. 

We are falling into the trap of following the crowd, being ruled by conformity and in many cases, fear.

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Examples of The Trap

Lest you think I am picking on anyone in particular, I'm going to use MYSELF as an example. Here is how I fell into the trap.

We had been homeschooling for many years and then my oldest got to high school. We made the decision to join Classical Conversations - a good decision for her 7th and 8th grade years. Without re-hashing the story too much (if you want to read about it you can see my post on how we lost the wonder in high school), I decided to follow the crowd and blindly follow the program for her high school years.

This was entirely MY FAULT. No one twisted my arm. 

I was too worried about what everyone else would think if we jumped ship. How could I abandon this beautiful model that was so popular? CC communities were sprouting up all over the place - surely something must be wrong with US if I felt the need to make a change. 

Why weren't we like the OTHER homeschoolers we knew? 

You might be falling into a similar trap if:

• You find yourself reading blogs and social media accounts and putting their advice over listening to your own heart.

• You make a homeschooling decision based on what most of your friends are doing.

• You make a homeschooling decision based on FEAR - fear of your child not reading "when they are supposed to", fear of not being "on grade level" (whatever that means), fear of not getting into college - fear of not being accredited - fear of not being in the fear of any number of things.

• You don't consult with your child and truly LISTEN to them on a regular basis.

Do you see that when you fall into this trap you are right back where many of you probably started - conforming in public schools and frustrated because you're child's best interests are not being served? 

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How to Avoid the Trap

These years are too precious to waste them. In my experience you can avoid falling into the trap by doing several things:

• LISTEN to your child. Become a student of your child. Know intimately what their particular bent is. Know what motivates them. Know what they love. The schooling should reflect that.

• Put on your BLINDERS. Yes, it's fine to get ideas from friends and to learn from them. But remember - they are not your child's parents. Even if you have been homeschooling along the same path as someone else for many years, sometimes things change. Children change. Don't ever compare your child to another child - or your homeschool to someone else's.

• Pray. As God to direct your homeschool every step of the way. I find myself constantly asking God for help and guidance multiple times a day. Let HIS be the first voice that directs you.

• Educate yourself. Study what's out there - know the ins and outs of math programs. Know about the local homeschool opportunities in your area. Avail yourself of everything possible, because you never know when you might need it. Read. Homeschooling is a full time job! You need to be able to make an informed choice, with your child's best interest in mind.

• Be present. It sounds so trite. Are you really PRESENT with your children? Are you learning with them? Are you fully involved in homeschool or are you trying to "fit it in" with your housework or hanging out on Facebook? Make time for homeschool. It's important.

I enjoy having regular dates with my children to listen to their feelings about how things are going. 

In a recent Starbucks date my son shared his interest in architecture with me - and we talked about how we could design a high school education around this interest. He was so pleased to have me LISTEN to him. I felt like we were truly partners in his education. 

I missed this step in middle school with my daughter. I was too busy dictating what I thought she should do (based on what everyone else around us was doing). I'm making up for lost time with her now.

Obviously, it has taken me time to get to this place. It takes faith and trust to walk this road.

We are taught to trust the "experts" - when in actuality we should be listening to God and trusting that still small voice that is the Holy Spirit.

Thank goodness for grace.

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Recent Resources Keeping Me Out of The Trap

Many of you who follow the blog know that I've been reading A LOT the past few years! 

Because we are knee deep in high school with one and have another approaching soon I've been doing reading in this area:

“It is a brave thing to have courage to be an individual; it is also, perhaps, a lonely thing. But it is better than not being an individual, which is to be nobody at all.”

— Eleanor Roosevelt

 

 

Have you found yourself falling into this homeschool trap? Care to share how? 

You might also like:

Homeschoolers: Stay in Your Own Lane

Won't My Homeschooler Miss The Prom?