One of the biggest challenges that comes with homeschooling "big kids" is fostering independence.

The middle grades years are relatively "low stakes" and are the perfect training ground for independence.

My ears perk up when I receives questions like this from readers:

The biggest question for me right now is teaching independence. I'm trying to move away from the "I need to sit here while you do this work" mode. But of course I can't leap right to the "here's your pile of work, now sit down and get it done" mode either!
What steps did you/would you take to foster independence?

I don't claim to have all the answers, but I can share what we have done with our children in their middle school years.

Three Ways to Foster Independence in the Middle Grades

*This post contains affiliate links.

Relationship, Relationship, Relationship

When children are secure in their relationships, they are more secure in themselves and their independence.

Relationships with Parents:

Training the heart must come first.

Kids in our house (and I am sure it's true in other houses, too) are more compliant, cheerful, and overall more willing when our relationship is strong.

During the middle grades years relationships can be difficult. It would be so easy to "check out" with our adolescents, but this is precisely the time they need us MOST.

I've recently been re-reading a book that once changed my entire outlook on raising an adolescent. Hold On To Your Kids stresses the importance of the parent/child attachment and how this single factor determines so much of our children's values, academic success, and self esteem.

Fostering Independence in Your Middle Grades Child: Relationship!

Kids crave closeness with their families at this age. They may not show it or say it, but they do. Take every step necessary to make your family their number one source of comfort, fun, and safety. We try to guide our children first and foremost, but also to be a source of FUN. If our children's needs are being met at home they are less likely to look to have them met elsewhere.

The parent/child relationship is paramount to our children gaining independence. The world does not value or protect this relationship. Do everything you can to keep your children close - you are what they need MOST at this age.

Relationships with Peers:

We were (and are) extremely vigilant about the peer interactions our middle schoolers have.

(This is where I am SO thankful we homeschool - peer interactions in traditional school get more than tricky at this age.)

Do your children have peers who care about them and support them? Don't accept the common notion that "middle schoolers can just be mean". This isn't so. I'm here to tell you middle schoolers can be lovely young people who care about each other. Teach your child to be discerning as they navigate their friends at this age.

You, as their parent, will also need to set some very strict guidelines on what types of friends they can and cannot have.

Both of my children participated in the Challenge program through Classical Conversations, where peer relationships were strong. We know these families. We share similar values.

This is also the age where many middle schoolers begin going to their church youth groups. Be careful as your children attend their youth gatherings. Often times this is the place where many of the worldly influences sneak in. It's best to keep a close eye on youth group at this age. I know of some youth groups that are wonderful, and others where the peer influences just aren't good.

A Weekly Schedule with Accountability

The Schedule

A schedule made by my children (with my careful supervision and guidance) at the beginning of each academic week has been VERY helpful in fostering independence.

No matter your school situation, train your child to create their own schedule. Build in accountability and allow them to make mistakes along the way!

In our situation my children were given all of their Challenge assignments in a guide book. After their weekly class meeting, we would sit down and plan out what each day would look like. They every.single.assignment and then posts their schedule above their desk.

It is a simple sheet, which is copied each week and then filled in - you could have your child design their own form for even more ownership. We tried a fancy planner and it just didn't work for us. This one sheet worked best for both of my children.

No matter your homeschooling method, program, or style -- you can model keeping a schedule and assist your child in creating their own schedule for increased independence.

A Dedicated Work Space

A dedicated work space can inspire organization and accountability in your child. It also makes your child feel that their work MATTERS and is deserving of a special place in your home.

As our children grew we decided to carve out a space for them in our basement. It is just around the corner from my husband's office (he works from home) - so the basement is definitely the "work" area.

Here you see the desk and shared computer area:

Three Ways to Foster Independence in Your Homeschool -- a Dedicated Work Space

We also purchased bookshelves from IKEA to keep all of our homeschool books organized neatly.

You would be amazed at what good organization and a dedicated space does for a child's independence!

3 Ways to Foster Independence in the Middle Grades Child: A Dedicated Work Space

All of this is a work in progress.

Many days it's hard to follow a schedule, work in your dedicated space, and maintain good relationships. It's almost as if this is an ongoing process - training the heart and independence issues. This, however, (from what I have gleaned from veteran homeschool moms) is NORMAL and NECESSARY.

Do not be discouraged if it is slow going, moms. You are doing important work which takes time and patience. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither is your child's homeschool independence.

As I was talking with a good friend of mine today (who has a son the same age as my oldest) she mentioned something irresponsible/immature her child had done. She said to him (jokingly), "What are you? 13? Oh right. You are 13!"

We need to remember our children are exactly that - CHILDREN. Set your expectations high, but keep in mind their age and what you are asking of them. Remember to give grace and forgiveness liberally! Sometimes we feel the weight of the world on our homeschooling shoulders. Pray, foster relationships, and love your children.

We have such amazing children we are nurturing!

Do you have any specific tips for fostering independence in your middle grades child?

Please share in the comments below!

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Book Series for Middle School Boys

Homeschooling the Middle School Boy

*If you're hoping for curriculum specifics for the homeschool boy, this isn't the post for you... (but I hope you'll read it anyways) I want to speak to you today about your boy's HEART and SPIRIT... which is much more important than curriculum!

Homeschooling a middle school boy has been one of the most rewarding pursuits in my life.

Middle school boyhood is this magical time of inbetween-ness.... our boys are growing so quickly, yet they are struggling to remain young and boyish inside.

One day they are examining their armpits for the evidence of hair, and the next they are asking you to to snuggle on the couch.

One day they are smack talking on the football field with their buddies, and the next they are asking you to be tucked in at night.

This dichotomy is a beautiful thing.

We get both the glimpse of the little boy and the picture of the budding young man.

(Because one day soon, they will be in high school - and that's another animal all together!)

In my humble opinion, there is nothing more rewarding than witnessing this stage in any boy --- except possibly getting to HOMESCHOOL the middle school boy.

My husband has been so encouraged by Raising a Modern Day Knight by Robert Lewis. It was given to us last year - just as we were beginning middle school.

I've also witnessed friends raise their boys, and I've asked questions and taken notes. We can learn so much from those who have gone before us.

Here we are in the thick of middle school and it's going very well - in fact I would say it's my favorite time with my son so far!

5 Tips For Homeschooling The Middle School Boy

Provide Male Role Models Who Aren't Dad

Yes, a boy needs his father as a role model, but in addition to that he also needs strong male role models that are NOT his father.

As always, you have to keep your eyes and ears open for these opportunities, and I'm simply amazed at the number of people in our communities that WANT to be involved in our homeschool. They want to pass on what they know, and they want to be involved in our sons' lives.

Over the past year my son has been learning to forge with a master blacksmith from our church. Grant gathers with other boys his own age, as well as with men of ALL ages and they forge crosses to give to others. Our blacksmith has a Purple Heart. He served in Vietnam. He is passing on ideals and values that our boys so desperately need and CRAVE.

What a tremendous blessing this is -- and how VALUABLE this in my son's emotional development (not to mention learning an ancient skill working with his hands).

As I see my son gift a cross to someone, I listen to him talk about how he made the cross, and I see the sense of pride and accomplishment in his sweet eyes.

This very tender gift was created by a very strong man. It's tremendously moving when you stop to think about.

Homeschooling allows us time to spend time with these mentors. It allows us to develop a creative curriculum that could possibly include a mentor. The sky is the limit!

Do anything possible to find strong male role models for your boys.

Keep a Close Relationship With Mom

On the other hand, our boys also desperately still need their mothers. Don't check out because your middle school boy is becoming more independent and maybe even pulling away from you.

I provide my son with MANY opportunities to help me around the house. I encourage him to always open doors for his sister and me, and to serve his sister in unexpected ways.

Just as our boys need the masculinity from the male role models, that need the feminine influence that will demonstrate to them how to treat their wives and children one day.

The way to my son's heart is through any kind of chocolate - so if I take him for a Frappucino he's quite satisfied. I'm amazed at the conversations we have during those times together. Our boys need us as a confidant, guide, and encourager.

Make time for this.

I still read aloud to my son and he loves it. (Right now we're reading through Hatchett.) One of favorite read-alouds was Little Pilgrim's Progress which we completed last year.

My son keeps me laughing constantly and is a complete goof ball - he knows that he can cheer me up in a way no one else can. It is important for our boys to have this close connection with their moms.

Every time he gets out of the car when I drop him off somewhere he gives me a kiss on the cheek with a quick "Love, ya, mom." I realize this may not continue forever, but I'll take it while I can.

Homeschooling promotes this strong relationship with our boys.

We are encouraging them through their ups and downs, and they are having the chance to help us in the day to day running of our homes. Don't underestimate the importance of this in your son's life. Many people want to give our boys up during these years (and I realize that one day my son may need more than I can provide at home), but for now I believe the benefits are many.

This close relationship with mom will enable our boys to stand on their own two feet as young men. We give them the security, love, and sense of purpose they need during their most valuable developmental time - and it WILL pay off.

Let Them Be Part of a Team

Team sports is a sticky subject.

On the one hand I fundamentally disagree with the time commitment and sometimes intense parental involvement that comes with team sports. On the other hand, however, I see tremendous benefits for our boys.

As homeschoolers it's sometimes difficult to find these team opportunities. Thankfully, middle school students can still participate in rec leagues. We've also had luck with an NFL Flag Football program and the Upward sports program, both of which are nationwide. We've also played on basketball teams at our local YMCA.

(I know a mother who recruited a couple of tennis coaches to start a homeschool tennis team, too -- if it's not available you can always start it yourself!)

My son transforms when he walks on the football field or basketball court. He is focused, determined, competitive, and driven. These traits, in healthy moderation, are good for our boys. It is also good for our boys to LOSE and to feel that things are UNFAIR. It is good for our boys to WIN and experience that sense of SUCCESS, too.

From a purely physical standpoint, our boys also need this energy release!

I've heard of people giving up on homeschooling because their sons need greater sports opportunities.

I think this is a shame - because there are opportunities available, and in many places public schools are now allowing homeschoolers to participate in their sports teams.

It IS possible to give our middle school boys a team sport experience, and I believe it is good for them.

Encourage Fine Arts (instead of video games)

Does it seem that every middle school boy out there wants to talk about video games? There's nothing inherently wrong with wanting to play video games, but when this interest becomes an obsession and crowds out things of true BEAUTY, it is a problem.

When we homeschool our boys we have the perfect opportunity to instill in them a love of the arts, and how these have been given to us to come closer to our Creator. We have the opportunity to FLOOD THEM WITH BEAUTY.

Let them play an instrument, encourage them to take art lessons, take them to museums and the symphony.

Homeschooling allows us to provide a FEAST of beauty for our children - and you never know what might speak to them.

My son loves to play the piano and loves jazz in particular. We went to see the Atlanta Symphony play a program of Gershwin and Copland. I will never forget the wonder in my son's eyes when the soloist for the evening began playing Rhapsody in Blue -- these things inspire our children. They put them in touch with something deep inside of themselves.

On a recent trip to Florida, we had a rainy day and I decided to take the kids to The Ringling Museum of Art. Grant wasn't excited about this (I think he wanted to go to the movies instead), but I persisted and we had such a memorable visit.

As you can see, "boys will be boys" -- we got a bit silly in the Dwarf Garden, but in the process learned a lot about John Ringling and how he had brought these statues to Sarasota from Italy.

We also saw the world's largest collection of Peter Paul Rubens' paintings - which was an incredible experience. The conversations I had with my son about the symbolism in the paintings, as well as the history behind them, was quite frankly astonishing to me.

Back to the video games: I'm not saying our boys should NEVER play video games, but keeping them to a minimum is wise! I am just like you and struggle with my son wanting to play Minecraft and MLB The Show at every opportunity. But I'm not giving in easily and I'm fighting tooth and nail to expose him to beauty!

Our boys are capable of such depth of thought and feeling, and by homeschooling them we can give ample exposure to the fine arts, which nurtures these characteristics.

Make Them WORK

When you homeschool your tween/teen boys you have lots of time to make them WORK.

They can unload the dishwasher, cut the grass, vacuum the living room, and yes -- cook dinner.

They get to work at things that MATTER, where they might normally be sitting in school working on a worksheet (which in all likelihood doesn't matter!)

Getting your middle school boy involved in volunteering is the perfect thing to do at this age. They are extremely capable of serving and being of valuable assistance in many cases. My kids both volunteer for a mobile food pantry in our area, and I'm always jumping on any opportunity that comes our way to WORK.

By giving your son the gift of WORK you are helping them step outside of themselves (and let's be honest - most middle schoolers tend to be somewhat self-centered by nature).

When you homeschool your middle school boy you can give them the valuable gift of WORK!

Give Them Plenty of Time To Be Alone

(This is bonus tip #6 -- because I just couldn't keep it to 5!)

Children in our day and age don't know how to be bored.

Homeschooling gives our children PLENTY of time to be alone and bored, and I like that.

While I do believe in academic rigor, I also believe in building in time just for NOTHING.

Our middle school boys are going through so many intense changes. They are growing exponentially and it seems like they are too big for their bodies (anyone else's son fall going up the stairs or bang their head getting in the car?!?). Giving our boys time and space helps them learn to be alone and helps them process these many changes.

Time for NOTHING also encourages creativity and innovation.

And by NOTHING I don't mean sitting and playing on an iPod!

(And yes, my son has an iPod, but he has to ask before he plays on it and his time is limited. I realize most 7th grade boys have a phone at this point, but we're weird parents and don't allow that yet.)

Some of my son's favorite things to do when he is alone are:

build LEGOS
read
draw
sleep (not kidding -- my son actually will take a nap in the afternoon because he's growing so much!)
organize baseball and football cards

As I watched my son playing in the water before a gorgeous Southwest Florida sunset, it struck me how happy he was being ALONE. He was playing all by himself in the water, stopping every now and then to just float on his board and appreciate the sunset - and in the next second running up onto the beach to tell me about it.

God gave me the affirmation I needed that evening - the affirmation to stay the course and keep investing in homeschooling my son.